Depression

Contrary to popular belief, depression is not characterised by perpetual sadness. Depressed people can certainly be cheerful. I would even say that depressed people enjoy the beautiful moments much more than non-depressed people. Simply because they know that the deep dark hole of depression is waiting for them at home. This hole is an abyss. A spiral that slowly but steadily pulls us further and further into loneliness. It is a dark place where it feels like there is no light at all. Getting out of it without help can be incredibly difficult. If we want to help people who are in this hole, we first have to understand what kind of place it is and how to get into it. I too struggled with depression for a long time, until I finally understood what it was all about.

This spiral can be imagined as a state of complete avolition caused by the loss of the meaning of life. It starts with very small things. You don't clean the apartment any more. You don't open the mail. You stay in bed all day because there is nothing out there worth getting up for. At some point, you no longer wash yourself regularly. You only brush your teeth when you feel really dirty or because you have to leave the house. The mountain of things you know you should do becomes bigger and bigger. It starts to annoy you and you start to actively ignore the mountain. You feel dirty and hide at home. You don't invite anyone over because you are ashamed of the state of your home. You could clean up, but you don't because you don't have the energy. If you don't see anyone, you don't have to make an effort to look after yourself. Cooking is not worth it because you eat alone anyway. Far too much effort. So you stuff yourself with pizza, chocolate, crisps, burgers and whatnot. It's best to have everything delivered, because shopping is far too exhausting.

Days, weeks, months, even years go by. You ignore the misery as best as you can. You wash it away with alcohol and other drugs. At some point, the moment comes when you can no longer ignore it. Alcohol helps when then only for a short moment. Debt collectors start to arrive. Your friends get in touch with you less and less. You are ashamed not only of your apartment, you are also ashamed of your own condition. That's why you isolate yourself. You don't want anyone to see this. You want to do something about it, but the mountain is now so big that you don't see any way to cope with it all. You have no energy for it. You are blocked. So you flee even more from reality. You build a façade for the public and simulate an ideal world. At the same time you keep looking for new ways to distract yourself. You close your eyes and don't wanna see it any more. What am I doing here? What is the meaning of this life? Why should I go on like this? For what? For whom am I torturing myself here?

If you have come this far, you are already so deep in the hole that you no longer see any light when you look up. I assure you, the light is still there. It's just that you've closed your heart and that's why you can't see it. Probably at least one person has already put a ladder in your hole, which you also cannot see or do not want to see. The ladder is long and you don't have the energy to climb it. It's exhausting. The question is, if not now, when? The ladder gets longer and longer the longer you wait. Acknowledge that it's there and accept the help. Put one foot on the first rung and take a small step forward. Then rest. Now take the next step. Take a rest. Take the next step… The key to getting out of the hole is the small steps. You know the way down, so you know how to get up. Once you can see the light at the end of the ladder, it's time to find out why you fell into the hole in the first place. This will save you from going down the spiral again for so long later. And with each step of realisation, the climb becomes easier.

Of course, not everyone goes through the process exactly as described. Not everyone descends equally deep into the hole. What is central here is the lack of energy. The loss of motivation and the question of meaning are crucial. Anyone who has ever had a burnout will perhaps realise that this is also nothing other than a depression. The same applies to the midlife crisis. Always the same pattern of a crisis of meaning, only the intensity and the reactions are different. If I don't see any meaning in what I'm doing, I don't have any motivation. Without motivation, I lack energy. Without energy, I am blocked. The shame that comes up after a while fuels the whole thing further. It causes the voice in our heads to constantly tell us how bad we are. It destroys self-esteem, robbing us of even more energy and motivation. I don't know any depressed person who has an intact self-esteem. This is where you can start. Every action that strengthens self-esteem is helpful. This brings us back to the small steps. If I manage to tidy up my bedroom today, I will feel much better straight away. The backpack with the heavy stones that I have to carry up the ladder becomes lighter. My self-esteem rises because I have just proved to myself that I am not as bad as the voice in my head wants me to believe. That's a huge success and that's enough for today. Don't try to do everything at once. It's not necessary to whip your whole apartment into shape in one day. You will only overload yourself and the voice in your head will punish you severely. Take small steps. Today the bedroom, tomorrow the bathroom, the day after tomorrow the post office and so on.

The apartment stands symbolic for all the little things you neglected on the way down the hole. The strongest force in the universe is love. Love creates order out of chaos. It is what holds everything together. Without the power of love, we would find ourselves in an energetic soup without material structure. The world as we know it would not exist. Bringing order into chaos is an act of love. Therefore, everything you do to bring a little more order into your life is an act of self-love. You will be rewarded with a feeling of satisfaction and a little more motivation for the next step. The more love you give yourself, the more love you will receive from those around you. Your heart opens. You have more energy and the light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible. Soon you will realise that the huge mountain that has been blocking you is not so big. With each act of self-love, your backpack becomes lighter and the climb easier. You will notice that your interactions with those around you will change. You will go out more, meet friends and do things that you enjoy. Of course, not every day will be a flight of fancy, but you're going upwards. That is the main thing.

Gratitude is a tremendously powerful force that you should harness. Focus on the positive things and push the negative things aside. This will help you. If possible, make a new list of things you are grateful for every day. Especially when you are in the hole, this can be hard, but it's worth it. Just write down everything that comes to mind. No matter how insignificant a thought seems to you, write it down. You will see there is always something positive to draw on, no matter how bleak everyday life looks. The inconspicuous, small things are sometimes even the most valuable in these moments. You eat something fine and that makes you happy for a while. Taking a shower and brushing your teeth refreshes you and gives you new energy. Tidying up is liberating. Recognise these small rewards and be grateful for them. If you write this list in the morning, you can read it again and again throughout the day. It will cheer you up. You can read the previous day's list in the morning to start the day with a little more motivation. What is also nice is to add to the list in the evening all the things that you have encountered during the day. It's best to write the date on each list and keep them. That way you can compare them later and see what progress you are making.

Now you are ready to explore the question of what got you into the hole in the first place. For this you need someone you can talk to. It has to be someone who is willing to listen to you without bias and who will also respond to you. Very close family members and partners, people with a strong emotional connection, are not necessarily the best people to talk to. Conversations with them can quickly degenerate into accusations and their expectations often prevent neutral listening. Strangers are much more suitable for the dialogue, as they are unencumbered and neutral towards you. You can talk to them openly without worrying about hurting their feelings. If you are reading this article not as a sufferer but as a helper, please remember this. If there is a strong emotional attachment, it might be better for you to help the person find someone to talk to instead of trying to do it yourself. From experience I can say that just the will to talk will ensure that more than enough opportunities will present themselves. Sometimes these are people you would least expect. If no one can be found, go to a psychologist. That's not a negative thing. That's what they are there for.

When you talk to someone, be open and absolutely honest. Don't hide anything and don't lie. Every detail you hide out of shame is a missed opportunity. Every lie you tell the other person is a lie you tell yourself. I know this is difficult, but it has to be done. We hide things for fear of being judged by those around us. I guarantee that if you are honest, not only will you be much less judged for your depths, you will realise that most of it is not as bad as you have told yourself. And once something has been said, you can no longer hide it. You have made yourself known to the world. The information is out there. There is no way back. You can only go forward. What has been spoken out loses its power over you. It is as if you had taken a huge, heavy stone out of your backpack and placed it by the side of the road. You feel relieved, the brain fuck stops and the shame disappears. At the same time you learn an incredible amount about yourself and how you function. You realise what is important to you in life and what is not. Go after what is really important to you. Put the rest in the background. Only the important things give your life meaning. Everything else is a pastime.

Depression is a wake-up call. It shows us that we are on the wrong path. When you incarnated into this body, you did it with a purpose. That purpose is the meaning of your life. This does not mean that everything is predetermined. I'm just saying that your soul has chosen a certain path, and the further you move away from that path, the more you lose yourself. You cut off, so to speak, the connection to your soul – your heart – and then you are trapped in your head – your mind. Even if you manage to free yourself from depression, it will always catch up with you as long as you do not follow your life purpose. Your task is to remember your purpose. And then follow it. Nobody can tell you what it is. Only you know. Deep inside you is the desire to achieve something very specific in your life. You feel it. Your soul is crying out for it. It finally wants to fulfil its task, but the voice in your head prevents that because it distracts you from it.

This eternal chatter in our heads can become so loud that we no longer consciously perceive the whispering of our souls. We lose ourselves completely in the threatening world that our minds create. This world has little to nothing to do with reality. One must be aware of this. The world around you is not as evil as it appears. If you want to find yourself, you have to get a grip on this voice. I can highly recommend the book "Addicted to the Monkey Mind" by J.F. Benoist for this. It helped me personally a lot. It's about the mind carousel, also called brainfuck or in Buddhism "monkey mind". Benoist demonstrates in an impressive way how these negative thoughts sabotage our lives non-stop and what happens when we learn to switch off the chatter. To do this, he gives the reader simple tasks that you can easily do at home. They aim to expand your perception, so that you can recognise what causes these negative thoughts and then neutralise them.

The concept of the monkey mind is nothing new. Buddha had already told us about it over 2000 years ago. I usually explain it with the well-known angel and devil concept. The angel sits on one shoulder, the devil on the other. Both are constantly talking at you and trying to persuade you to do something. The devil is up to no good and the angel wants to protect you from the devil's temptations. Imagine that the angel is in your heart and the devil is in your head. Do you see the problem? There is a reason that suicides always shoot themselves in the head and not in the heart. Nobody wants to destroy the soul. They want to shut off the chatter. If you learn to get a grip on that voice, you are well on your way out of the hole. You hear your soul again and can unite with it. You can't eliminate this voice completely. It's always there. But we can put it in its place so that we control it and not the other way around. Then it becomes a valuable helper instead of a tyrant that makes life difficult for us.

As long as we live a life that is not our own. A life that is given to us by society. As long as we live this alien life, we are living a lie. If we make other people the centre of our lives, elevate them to the meaning of our lives, we are living their lives, not our own. If we lose these people, the crash is inevitable. If you are not true to yourself and live your own life as it was predestined, you deny yourself. The soul withers and you end up in depression. I had to learn this in a painful way. Find your way back to yourself, remember your purpose and follow it. Fulfil the purpose of your life and you will want for nothing. When you are in your truth, there is no depression.

Further Reading

In the book Nutrition for the psyche, Dr Uma Naidoo describes how our diet affects our mental well-being. There is a whole chapter just about depression. She gives tips on foods that have a positive effect on our state of mind and also provides whole recipes. Other interesting topics in the book include anxiety, insomnia and exhaustion.

Jordan Peterson's book 12 Rules for Life can help you bring back meaning and purpose to your life. Highly recommended!

Addicted to the Monkey Mind by J.F. Benoist will help you stop the constant chatter in your head.

Have a look at my story and maybe also this interview. This will help you realize that a depression is really a wake-up call to get you back on your path. Or talk to other affected people who have found their way out of their depression. The pattern is always the same.